Ido a fanciful amount of projection. The only thing I ever really understood was myself and even as far as that is concerned, I am largely ignorant. Imagine that? The one thing you lay claim to still not being truly yours? I belong to myself as much as a leaf belongs to a branch that belongs to a tree that belongs to the earth. Ownership, control, all illusions. Imagine that. There is a charted path after all. Choice is there swaying like a seductress licking her lips knowing her time to shine before the client even sees her. Every choice I’ve ever made was done because that was its time. The freedom one claws and pines for only gives its signal of readiness when the time is most ripe and the soul is best prepared to endure it, whether the mind is conscious of this or not. Everything happens for a reason. The things we do have meaning but that meaning is typically only understood until long after, but the impact is still immediate, and the brewing occurs shortly after. A familiar feeling brews in me now and I feel twice as large as I did before. My weakness is also my greatest strength. At times I writhed from it and in others I wallowed in it with the recognition of it as a great glory. What a wonderful thing it is to have such an impressionable mind! I’ve built barriers before that took a great deal of effort only to watch them crumple into dust with an ease proportionate to my struggle. How others seemed to understand so well I failed so well and in this belief I went about my life, a belief of utter disbelief, within myself and everything I ever tried to commit to. I had such thoughts of grandeur they could make the world shine with all the glamour it’d make even the greediest kings blush only to find just how utterly dull and debased they were. A fool’s gold, treasured trash, imitations and the like. For a long time I’ve thought that’s all I’d ever amount to, but now I’m not only seeing it doesn’t need to be that way, but I’m beginning to truly believe that. Imagine that!
Let me return to the initial point that brought about all this meandering. I do a fanciful amount of projection. The greatness I sought for myself I found more in others and all the bad and disdainful I found in myself. Repulsion and all things green and foul were only possible in others because of me, whether that be my presence or the things I said or the things I did. The poor reactions that would elicit would form a foundational truth in my mind: I am lesser and all else is greater. I felt shame before in admitting this, but there is a bit of pride thinking on this now, because at last I’ve felt my chains clatter to the ground, and my ankles embracing the cold crispness of the air instead of the cold steel. Worry filled my heart, anxiety overflowed my mind, and I would flutter like a lost, petulant child, feeling myself disarmed against cumbersome thoughts and eyes that pierced through me and judged me invalid. How fearsome! A dreaded curse such as this weighed me down so much I couldn’t even bring myself to meet a gaze, and besides, I was much lower to begin with.
The extent in which I fell for this idolatry did not end there. Those I felt uncertain of, I feared but those who seemed to recognize something within me, I revered. They were even greater in my eyes. After all, they assigned a sense of value to me, a creature who couldn’t assign one to itself. Praise, applause, flatter. It brought something out of me at once, a sort of excitement within me was provoked, and all my lowliness would begin to feel dispelled, and I would even begin to believe that I too could be as great as they. This was troubling, however, as this was still part of the fundamental problem. I made men into gods and women into pillars when they were just men and women, nothing else. There was an unhealthy obsession that would brew on and on within me. I was blinded to it, I was bathed in it, I was dying from it. I had given others such a mystifying power over me and I was helpless before it, a tool to be used and I was even glad for it, because I took from it, I was made useful, I was made essential. I was given a role and I’d gladly play it, even if it was over the top. I just wanted the attention, I just wanted my existence justified, but with these methods, these methods...
How absurdly wicked and pathetic! But it was all I knew and I refused anything, because even though I hated it, and I hated it myself even more for it, I was comfortable in this hay bed of my weakness. I craved blankets but I didn’t think I deserved them so I contented myself through the shivers and tears. I'd bite my tongue and endure any kind of abuse, any kind of humiliation, because why bother? I'd try to explain myself but I'd feel myself dismantled under the pressure of sharpness and fall apart all at once, as my disposition was as flimsy as the foundation of its person.
At some point I realized how much humiliation I endured and that was the beginning of the change. I was nothing. I’ve long since decided to become something and I see my labors bearing fruit at last. I am someone who will live and die by my own desires. And with this new philosophy, I felt the leaves fall from my branches, the branches fall from my tree, and my tree fall from its earth. Let’s take this stump of a man and carve him into something greater. And I became greater than I ever was before.
At a certain point I realized something. I had more belief than I ever did before, but there was also a darkness brewing in me, a familiar darkness but one that took a different shape than before. I became cruel, I became material, I became tempered. I was much more than I was before, but there was a dragon inside me that I had not yet vanquished, and until I put a sword to its throat I was still a fool unaware of his strings. The fundamental problem was still present.
And so, and so, and so, I must face this, I must not run from it. There is much reflection to do, so understand why this portion is not so fleshed out, the necessary time hasn't passed yet, this is all so novel! And yet, hear this:
I am a man, I will not submit, I will take up this sword and I will run it through the earth. Here I am! I’ve arrived and will not be driven out!
Never, never, never!
And once these dragons are slain, I will forgive them, give them proper burials, and cherish the trees that will grow from their horns. I will be good, cry with pride, and celebrate my own strength as something obvious and not something to be proven. It will simply be and I will simply be. And to those naysayers? They will simply be.
Let us retire at last into that good night and find ourselves just as we are in the morning. Refreshed, thankful, and present. I have no gods to pray for, so I'll aspire for it instead. After all, all my gods are dead, and I have only myself to support. And that is simply so.
The mirror is something to be looked at with pride, not fear, disgust, or remorse.
Leave a Reply